Okay, tonight i am writing this blog post not to make people feel sorry for me, but to get my emotions out.
Waiting is one of the hardest things to do. As a girl we wait to grow up, we wait for prince charming to come around. Then we wait to have kids. Well i am still waiting to grow up a little bit. I have found my prince charming. But the hardest wait for me is to wait to have kids.
My facebook is filled with pregnancy announcements, and im sitting here like...i'm going to school. I am so happy for everyone who is able to start their family while i am not. But it is so hard to me not to be upset. I have gotten to the point that i think my body is giving me signs of pregnancy because its all i think about. I walk down the baby isle and find myself wishing that we could start our family. I have friends who struggle with infertility and i think. Now they are the ones who should be upset. They are trying and are unable to get pregnant and we aren't even trying. But the longing to be pregnant. Eric is great, he is my rock and tries to keep me from being to upset over it, but i know he wants one too.
Every time i feel sick, or like i have the symptoms of pregnancy i take a test. (thank you dollar store) And each time it is negative a little piece of my heart breaks.
This last time was the hardest. I decided to wait until Eric wasn't home to take it. (sometimes i feel bad because he is so logical. He knows i am not pregnant because i am on BC. But i still take the test) Its the first one i've taken since we've moved to Idaho.
I was alone in the apartment and had no one. I couldn't just go to my sisters house and have her take care of me. Eric was with the scouts and had no car to come home. I was in contact with him and he knew of my struggle but it didn't make it any easier. As i looked at myself in the mirror and realized that i was not pregnant i could't help but have tears stream down my face!
Things in our life are good. We are both in school. I just started a job. Eric is doing great with school, we are learning more and more about each other everyday. Yet I still have this void in my life. The longing to have a baby.
Like i said i don't want your pitty. I dont want you to feel bad for me. But if i don't say anything about you being pregnant, its not personal. Its that i'm struggling.
