Never Easy

I haven't written about our miscarriage. I didn't know exactly what to say. I find myself a very positive and optimistic person. But when thinking and talking about the miscarriage, i become sad, depressed and sometimes i don't think i can go on. The last 2 months have been difficult for me. I've tried not to live in the past, i've also tried not to live in the "what if's" but both are very hard. If you choose to continue reading please don't judge. I'm not looking for pitty or sympathy. I am just looking to get my emotions out because holding them in isn't making this any easier. I've written and rewritten and not posted this post, but i think it needs to be shared. 

I had a hard time thinking about this season. Thinking about how life would have been different if we hadn't lost the baby. We pulled out our Christmas decorations and saw the ornaments we bought last that said "baby's first christmas" i want to say this is the first time i lost it, but really the 1 year mark of finding out i was pregnant, set me off. Eric and i sat and cried as i thought about the fact that we didn't have our little one physically here to celebrate the holidays with us. 

As Christmas passed, i couldn't get into the season, i was stressed as to what gifts to get people. I couldn't focus on the true meaning, i think there was part of me that didn't want to focus on it. I didn't want to feel the pain that was excitement last year. 

As the holidays continue i sit and miss being pregnant. I miss my baby, i miss knowing that our family is going to start. Instead we are stuck with the "is it going to happen." 

As January 1st approaches i look forward to spending time with my family. (in fact thats when our christmas party is) but i can't help but feel sadness. I can't help but grieve the loss of my baby.

I am a mother, my baby is just in Heaven waiting for me, and sometimes that sucks. Sometimes i am angry, sometimes i just want to cry. I am one in four. I will always be one in four. and the holidays will never be the same again.