Never Easy

I haven't written about our miscarriage. I didn't know exactly what to say. I find myself a very positive and optimistic person. But when thinking and talking about the miscarriage, i become sad, depressed and sometimes i don't think i can go on. The last 2 months have been difficult for me. I've tried not to live in the past, i've also tried not to live in the "what if's" but both are very hard. If you choose to continue reading please don't judge. I'm not looking for pitty or sympathy. I am just looking to get my emotions out because holding them in isn't making this any easier. I've written and rewritten and not posted this post, but i think it needs to be shared. 

I had a hard time thinking about this season. Thinking about how life would have been different if we hadn't lost the baby. We pulled out our Christmas decorations and saw the ornaments we bought last that said "baby's first christmas" i want to say this is the first time i lost it, but really the 1 year mark of finding out i was pregnant, set me off. Eric and i sat and cried as i thought about the fact that we didn't have our little one physically here to celebrate the holidays with us. 

As Christmas passed, i couldn't get into the season, i was stressed as to what gifts to get people. I couldn't focus on the true meaning, i think there was part of me that didn't want to focus on it. I didn't want to feel the pain that was excitement last year. 

As the holidays continue i sit and miss being pregnant. I miss my baby, i miss knowing that our family is going to start. Instead we are stuck with the "is it going to happen." 

As January 1st approaches i look forward to spending time with my family. (in fact thats when our christmas party is) but i can't help but feel sadness. I can't help but grieve the loss of my baby.

I am a mother, my baby is just in Heaven waiting for me, and sometimes that sucks. Sometimes i am angry, sometimes i just want to cry. I am one in four. I will always be one in four. and the holidays will never be the same again.

'rent weekend

I couldn't wait for this weekend! My parents came up and enjoyed this weekend with us i was so excited!!!! They brought us a new table (to us...its my childhood table) and bikes, and then we had so much fun with them being tourists! 
I've been wanting my parents to come "hang out" with us for awhile and so to finally have them here it was great! On Saturday we woke up and went up to Rexburg to pick them up, we went to the Teton Dam Museum, we watched this movie about it and the destruction it caused. I, to be honest, had never really even heard about it...but it was quite the bit of history to learn. My mom had been up to this area shortly after it happened and so it was amazing for her to see the history about it. After the museum we went to the Teton Dam itself and looked at it. It was so fun to go "off roading" again. although my mom was not the biggest fan of the off roading she did enjoy the sight. 


Eric was trying to take pictures and kept getting ants all over him...we were laughing because they only seemed to love him. My mom made fun of my shoe choice...which was flip flops...she said now she knows what to get me for Christmas...the right type of shoes. 

On our way out to the dam we watched planes do crop dusting, my decided that will be her next profession. 

After that we went to Ashton and ate at Big Judds which was super yummy! and then we took the scenic byway to Mesa Falls, My parents were there about a year ago but i had never been. I really enjoyed the walk and the falls. It made me thing about when my mom and i went to Niagara Falls. We took lots of pictures there and got eaten alive by the mosquitoes! One of my favorite things there were the tent caterpillars. My mom enjoyed seeing the hundreds of caterpillars in the tree nests, and there were HUNDREDS! We made a stop to look at the beauty of nature and found lots of caterpillars out of their nests, they were blue, we played with those for a little bit.

After that we went to my Aunts house and rested for about an hour, then went to dinner at Alan and Patti's house. We love spending time with them! We had Pulled Pork, and Sara's Salad, then Eric surprised me for my birthday with a chocolate cake that was SOOO yummy!

overall this has been a wonderful weekend, my parents gave me a curling iron for my birthday and i can't wait to try it out! (well i've already tried it at my moms...so i can't wait to have it here) we don't have any plans yet for this coming weekend, but i'm sure we will!  

{The Perfect Day}

Sometimes life throws curve balls at you, it is not fun at all, but I've  decided to make the most of it! This weekend started our summer of adventures. It was the perfect weekend.

Saturday Eric came home from a ward camp out and took me on an adventure. We drove to Rexburg and then kept going. I wasn't allowed to know where we were going. I was told to count the cattle guards, and once we've hit 3 we will be turning. So we counted...it took forever to get to the third cattle guard. We saw a lot of sheep, and sang my own rendition of home on the range. Finally we got to the third guard, and we started going off road through a muddy road. Eric had the time of his life taking our Escape through the puddles. Finally we reached our destination. Eric told me about the lava tubes and the ice caves. As we saw some people leave there pant legs were soaked i started to get a little worried but was excited for the adventure. As we Army crawled onto the ice i wasn't sure about it but i am so thankful i did it! and i can't wait to go back and do it again. Here are a few pictures but it doesn't quite capture how beautiful it was.

You can totally see the rope we had to use to climb down...then back up

I did it! 

After the caves we were a little wet, but by the time we got back into Rexburg we were pretty dry. Since we got married eric was wanted to plant a garden, so we decided to go to walmart and see what we could find! We got a black, green, and red pots and 2 tomato plants and a purple pepper, we also got a bird feeder. I am so excited to see our plants grow and to get some tummy treats from them.

Our little Garden!

We ended the day by getting frozen Yogurt and a drive in movie, We put a twin air mattress in the back of our very muddy escape and went and saw Tomorrowland. It was a great movie! i really enjoyed it and stayed awake for it!

...you cant tell but we are wearing the same shirt!

Overall it was the perfect day! i couldn't have asked for a better "mini vacation" Our are now going to make a list of things we are going to do this summer in Idaho. I am grateful for this adventure because i would have never seen these ice caves if i hadn't miscarried, So this summer is filled with adventures i couldn't have done if pregnant. 

Welcome 2015 i can't wait!

It was less than a week later from my last post that our lives would change.

I got a reminder that all decisions needed to be made with the Lords help. I ended up asking myself "are we waiting for the right time for us or the Lord" Eric and I had never once taken the matter to the Lord. We had decided that we would wait until Eric was done with school before we even prayed about it. But the problem with that was WE decided.

October 23 we went to the Idaho Falls Temple with the question in our hearts and mind. When we prayed together and the words left Eric's mouth an overwhelming feeling came over me. Someone was needed on the Earth and it was our time! Eric agreed.

I think every week from that point on i took a pregnancy test. Only this time i wasn't as discouraged when it was negative because i knew a positive was coming. Eric will say i was so excited that i had symptoms of pregnancy just because i wanted it so bad. To be honest....i agree! He was worried about me emotionally if the tests just continued to be negative. He kept reminding me that sometimes it takes awhile for the Birth Control to leave your system.

I started a new job the week of Nov 17, I didn't think anything about trying to get pregnant because it had been less than a month. But my first Friday there (Nov 21) That morning...i took the test that would change our lives! I couldn't believe it at first. I came out saying "Eric we are pregnant!" he looked at the test and didn't believe me. I think we were both in shock that it happened so fast. I wanted to tell everyone...Eric said NO! Saturday we printed up a card and mailed it to Eric's Family. on Monday i was too impatient and while we were on the phone with Cathy i decided it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission and blurted it out! We waited until thanksgiving to tell my family. I was going to wear a shirt that said "theres a turkey in this oven" on thanksgiving day. But my nephew got sick and my sister was not going to be able to have thanksgiving with us. So wednesday as we were getting ready to leave i changed shirts. after about 15 minutes of wearing it Eric grabbed my moms head and made her focus on me. We then told my sisters, and my grandparents. I was beaming so excited to have this bundle inside of me! Eric's suto family was one of my favorites to tell. We were getting together for a gift exchange so i wore my shirt. Vanessa was the only one home it took her about 5 minutes and then she read my shirt and freaked out! 

We are so excited to welcome this little bundle into our lives. We know its not going to always be easy but i already love this baby so much! Going to the doctors is so fun. Being called mommy :)

So just an update. We went to the doctor on monday due to some complications. Mommy and Baby are fine but Baby isn't growing like it should be. We will be going in every 2 weeks to measure growth. We are praying that this little baby is okay and will continue growing. Mommy and Daddy already love it :)